Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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