Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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