Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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