I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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