If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
