my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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