I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
