I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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