no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
