my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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