I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
