Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
