The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
