he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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