On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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