Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
