I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
