We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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