I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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