Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
