Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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