Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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