she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
