i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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