my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
