Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
