I wish I could teleport
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
