im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
