I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
