Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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