Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
