worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
