I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Floor bacon is actually really good
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
