if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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