She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
