You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
