i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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