he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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