Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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