So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
