he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
