You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
