I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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