His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
