she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
