Got a toothbrush?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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