he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
