He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
