So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are the jesus of drinking
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
