Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
