im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
